Less thinking, more doing

I've been quiet lately after having my most prolific year on The Sensible Flutist. One of my goals had been to have two new posts up a week but after a while, these began to feel contrived and forced. One of my favorite aspects of this blog is how I can write based on inspiration. If I don't want to write, I don't have to. Readers keep coming and I appreciate them greatly.

When I was in the throes of moving in the summertime, I was writing a lot on various life and musical lessons I was discovering in the process. I learned a lot about myself in those tumultuous months when my husband needed a job and we suddenly needed to find a new place to live. I felt I had something to share as I had to scramble to meet basic needs. Life wasn't comfortable.

Now that life is somewhat comfortable again, I'm trying to do a little more. I'm trying to better utilize the time I have available to make some other projects come to fruition. My output may be small, but I'm proud of it.

I have a project list tacked onto my corkboard that I look at daily. I purposely kept it simple. Life is a moving target and I know that I have to keep my number of projects small. This is easier said than done.

For the time being, I'm spending less time thinking about issues and more time putting my ideas into motion. Writing is an incredibly important tool for me, but I feel an innate need for concrete action.

Let's all do more, shall we?

The energetic (and not so energetic) cycle of creativity

by Sean MacEntee

What drives you to create?

I think most of us artistic types find that our creativity is cyclical. Some days (or weeks), we feel "on" and nothing can stop us. At other times, we can only muster the bare minimum required. I think the first step to sustaining these bursts of creativity is to accept that we can't be on all the time. On top of struggling with self-doubt, I think a lot of us struggle with the low weeks when we're merely steeping. By acknowledging the cycle, we can adapt and manage the low points in more healthy ways.

Although my motivation hasn't been lagging this week, my energy certainly has. I'm not quite sure what the culprit is, but I suspect diet and sleep are two factors. Perhaps the stress of the move is finally releasing its hold on me and sucking the energy I have. Just thinking of practicing causes me to yawn profusely and feel about ten times more exhausted. By the time I feel awake enough to even pull my flute out, it's too late at night.

This is the type of cycle I can control. I can eat more cleanly, I can improve my pre-bed routine, I can begin taking supplements, I can sleep less (sleeping more is sometimes not the answer to energy loss). This is when I'm grateful for the mindfulness I've infused into my life through somatics. I can listen to my body and make appropriate changes. Instead of foundering and entering into a negative self-talk cycle, I can instead make mindful changes to see if any of them help my energy levels match my motivation and desire to create.

Accept and acknowledge, but don't surrender. Appreciate the cycle with mindful observation.

Holistic Practice at NFA this Friday!

I will be presenting a workshop on "Holistic Practice" at the National Flute Association's convention in Las Vegas. If you're a flutist and will be attending the event, it will be at 8 AM, Friday, August 10 in Octavius 22 at Caesar's Palace.

Why did I choose this topic?

The content of my blog sums up my thoughts about practicing in this way. From my posts about Body Mapping, inclusive awareness, to performance psychology and practice strategies, this presentation has been in the making for several years.

I have found a way of practicing that works for me, which encompasses all my interests and all that I study and want to learn more about. Practicing my flute is a vehicle for me to make discoveries. When I returned from my hiatus in 2009, I noticed such ease with other players but I didn't feel that ease in myself. Emulating that ease without really knowing the internal processes that occur for that ease to happen led to injury in my case.

Holistic practice is about using time effectively, while also providing strategies to explore movement with various modalities, all of which I've written about at some point on this blog. More than anything else though, the presentation is really grounded in Alexander Technique and Body Mapping. I will provide a somatics overview, and my goal with this presentation is to plant the seed of curiosity in others who may not know about these valuable tools, or maybe they do know but don't know how to integrate these things into their practice time.

In addition to presenting, I'll also be volunteering my time to help out with the Piccolo Artist Competition. I'm really looking forward to hearing some great piccolo playing. I'm hoping it'll inspire me to return home and resume a consistent piccolo practice routine. I will also be helping out on Thursday and Friday at the Flute Pro Shop booth (Booth 227).

I look forward to connecting with old friends, teachers and colleagues while also tweeting up with several great musicians and meeting new people.

See you in Vegas!

Performing from the heart

I had a yard sale on Saturday morning. It gave me the opportunity to spend the entire morning outside and just think. I was grateful for the opportunity because I was able to ponder on this question:

How do we integrate all of the elements we practice and nurture in ourselves into a performance, which is simply a moment in time? 

I want to play freely. I want to have a conversation with my audience. I want to be authentic. But at times, some things holds me back. I feel that I'm not perceived as a "serious" player. I am attempting to build a career on my own terms, and not be accountable to anyone. I cannot control how others perceive my work or my status; however, that doesn't mean I let it get to me on a subconscious level.


These moments of self doubt are thankfully fleeting. For instance, if I was convinced that I had nothing worthwhile to say, this blog wouldn't be in existence. I don't let these moments consume me, but they are a reminder that I have to choose my working relationships carefully. Toxic relationships that are not grounded in honesty, but are instead built on greedy expectations of what the other person can do for them is a recipe that can create self doubt, aggravate symptoms of performance anxiety and make you feel that your work is less valuable.


We all have a need to have supportive relationships. A support network can help you reach your potential and increase your confidence in your abilities. Often times, a lot of the negativity we perceive seeds itself and grows in our own minds. We're less likely to talk about these very human moments with others. Negativity will usually dissipate when exposed to the light; however, when left to simmer unsaid and unexpressed, can be destructive. Supportive relationships can stop these vicious cycles in their tracks. Being able to talk about your self-doubt with those you trust can make it seem less scary, and leaves you better able to begin performing the way you want to.

Also, the more frequently you perform, the easier it will be to integrate all the best aspects of your playing into a cohesive and inclusive performance. Here are a few things that I like to do to ensure that I have the best chances of success when I go on stage:

1) Perform frequently, no matter how small the venue. Take charge of your own opportunities. The more frequently you arrange your own performances and tap into the type of audience you want to build, you'll begin to create a following. And who says a fan base isn't good for developing authenticity?

2) If it's new music you're learning, find smaller performance opportunities that don't have a lot of pressure associated with them. You learn the piece in a new way when you perform it than in the practice room. Familiarize yourself with how it feels to perform the piece and the music takes on new meaning which you'll be better able to communicate the day of the big performance.

3) Play for friends. Invite people over for wine and music. Let them play for you and vice versa. Informal musicales are a great way to spend time with people whose company you enjoy, and also allows you to experiment with your performances in a low pressure environment.

4) Taper your practice to no longer work on details, but to maintain a sense of the whole. See my previous post on practicing like you train.

5) Nurture yourself. Are there toxic influences in your life? Minimize their impact by distancing yourself from the source of the toxicity or eliminating them completely. This can be difficult, but having the supportive relationships in place that I mentioned earlier will help this process.

6) Live life. Don't spend endless hours in the practice room, but socialize with friends, read a book, go to a gallery opening. Do what you love to do. Life allows us to enrich our performances and our artistry. When we live life, we are preparing for performances.

Above all, keep in mind that performing is a moment in time. It could be your most fantastic moment, or it could be an off day when things don't go as planned. Diligence in preparation can help make it your moment, but be gentle to yourself. Prepare confidently and don't compare yourself to others. Part of the joy in performing is what you make it to be. There's only one you in the world, and share that uniqueness with the audience.

Prepare, nurture, integrate, perform. All of these things happen from the heart if we allow it.

Twtrsymphony Makes its Debut!

For the past few months, I have been quietly working recording my parts to contribute to Twtrsymphony, a new concept orchestra that had its start on twitter. Composer and music director Chip Michael has undertaken this huge project and we now have a finished product to show the world that this is possible.

I'm proud to say that my input on a twitter chat one night was a driving factor behind this project. I remember the conversation and my surprise and excitement when I woke up the next morning to be followed by @twtrsymphony. The idea took off and with a lot of social media leveraging, musicians were rounded up, music was written and distributed and we began the work. For most of us, the experience of recording a part to a click track was new. Add to that Chip's characteristic complex meters, and it became even more interesting.

The quality of the musicianship on this debut track is high, and I love it. I love that a collective of musicians, of varying backgrounds and levels (and different recording equipment), have been able to virtually come together and create in spite of locale. As an advocate of community based music, the online community is no exception. This has the potential to be a forum for other composers to have their works played by a symphony that capitalizes on the contacts made in the social media realm.

Twtrsymphony is taking steps to infuse the social media world with an orchestra that is not only connected through the common goal of producing a high quality musical performance, but is also connected through the  personal and professional worlds that intersect on twitter. Even though we're not sitting on a stage together, we musicians are still connected by the power of word and through the power of our online presence.

Without further ado, here is the video of the first movement of Symphony No. 2, The Hawk Goes Hunting:



Also, you can download the track at Twtrsymphony's Instant Encore page here. The download code is HawkGoesHunting.

Stay tuned for the release of Movement 2, Birds of Paradise!

Just Play

I played a church gig this morning. The music director and I chose to play arrangements of hymns and spirituals. The "just play" concept that Liisa encouraged at Summerflute hit me like a ton of bricks when I played "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

The arrangement was a simple one, but its understated simplicity allowed me to stand out of the way so I could just play. I welcomed this ease into the rest of the music in the service.

Give yourself permission to enjoy this "just play" attitude in all your music. Here's two tunes that I connect to on a deeply personal level that I'll explore this week and in essence create my own Tone Development through Interpretation collection of tunes. Remember that the melodies Moyse included in his book are as much as a part of his musical heritage as the music below is my own. I encourage you to be creative as you creatively explore the music you connect to most in order to integrate that ease and familiarity into unknown pieces.

Enriching your artistry through life experience

Image by Dan Brady

In May, I wrote several blog posts that included my Manifesto, and several more articles about income streams and making your own way as a musician. One idea I wanted to write about never quite made it to the table, so here I am writing about it now. Life experience. I touched briefly on this in this week's earlier post, which got me thinking about it a little more.

When I describe my situation to others, it's humbling to see the scores of others in the position that my husband and I are in. The economy has brought change to lots of people. Some of the change has been positive and at other times negative. My own work has been shaped by a desire to become portable in order to weather the changes that life has brought me at pretty regular intervals of every 2-3 years.

I firmly believe in the new economy, and I believe in the power of individuals to make their own way. With that said, life experience can be a boon to artistic development. If our lives were simple, what depth would our lives have? What depth would our music have? On one hand, I crave simplicity but I know that the painful and uncomfortable times will lead to a greater discovery of who I am and what I'm capable of handling. One could say that I'm in the worst position I've ever been in; however, I also trust that God will never give me more than I can handle.

I'm accepting these changes in the hope that my life will help me develop a deeper appreciation for the music that I'm so passionate about. I am full of gratitude for the music I am able to share with others, gratitude for those who support me and gratitude for even these uncomfortable changes I'm faced with right now. I'm realizing that accepting the painful times enhances artistry in a way that enables the musician to explore the full range of emotions in the music they perform. Love, pain, loss, joy and sorrow. In fact, I have the opportunity to study the human condition from a first hand position.

As I accept my momentary "uncomfortableness," I'm noticing these emotions and what they do. Not only am I opening myself up to possibility, but I am letting my life guide me in my artistic endeavors. Just like the discoveries one makes when studying Body Mapping and realizing that all your "problems" are connected, my life is connected to music. Art is absolutely connected to our lives.

When you enrich your artistry through life experience, you are allowing that experience to connect you personally to your performance. That is one more layer of awareness through which to communicate exactly what you want to your audience. There is music inside every one of us. Allow your life to help transmit it to the world.

Get your copy of The Musician's Personality here!

Extra, extra! Read all about it!

You can get your copy of The Musician's Personality: How Intention and Free Thinking can shape Artistic Freedom here! 

For a sneak peak, here's the book's preface:

From the beginning, The Sensible Flutist has been about my personal journey. When I began the blog in 2010, I was asking a lot of questions and while I thought I had definitive answers, my perspective has evolved as I’ve sought to find my unique voice and path. My ability to flesh out my thoughts on the blog led to the development of a network of likeminded colleagues on Twitter. Two years later, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting several of these influential people who want to make the world a little bit better by breaking down the barriers present in our art.

The basis of this E-book spans a series of posts I wrote for The Sensible Flutist between June 2010 and August 2011. This book seeks to connect the pieces of my progression. It presents these posts as an expanded guide for you, the reader. For the sake of space, I am not republishing these posts verbatim but I am expanding the ideas as a call to action for my readers. These posts relate as much to my own evolution as a musician as they do to encourage those who may find themselves asking the same questions. If you are struggling to find your individual voice, read on to find out how to balance your education with your free-thinking creative self, the musician’s personality.

If you download the book, please let me know what you think and please spread the word!

Many thanks,

The Sensible Flutist

When is enough enough?

Graduation Day

I've spent the past three years finding my way. In the five years since college, I spent the first two years as a burned out musician in a full time day job, and the following three as an evolving musical masterpiece. When I started this blog in 2010, I had resumed serious playing and teaching to facilitate a return to school for a master's degree in flute. Boy, have things changed.

I'm still hopelessly addicted to music. I have really made strides in successfully overcoming the psychological and physiological effects of performance anxiety which reared its ugly head as a result of my hiatus. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together more fully for me and in a way that has been making me incredibly happy. I don't want to be known as just a flutist. My life has always indicated otherwise. It was when I stopped pushing forward in what I thought I should be doing was when I realized what I was meant to be doing.

Through this evolution and my incessant curiosity, I find myself questioning academia more and more. I admire and respect all my colleagues who have struck out on their own with only a bachelor's degree in music. While opportunities to perform and teach are limited with just this level of education, the real world experience gained is instrumental in shaping future life decisions. If you choose to stay in school and further your education to include graduate and post-graduate work, you could essentially be living in cloistered academic conditions for a period of upwards of 25 years before you even enter what I consider to be the real world.

When I think about these numbers, I cringe. How many talented musicians stay in school simply because it's what they're told they should be doing? If I had stayed in school to obtain my master's degree, I would have continued on my idealistic, naive path of dreaming of nothing more than playing the flute full time. This would have changed my path dramatically. Chances are I'd have wound up working a miserable day job anyway. The promise of returning to school was what ultimately drew me out of my burned out funk. What if I had already obtained that and then entered the workforce like a dejected nobody?

Perhaps it's the transitional times we live in where I'm growing increasingly distrustful of all large organizations whether it's a corporation or government bureaucracy. Academia is no different. I don't think academic institutions have students' interests at heart. There's too many other competing factors (hello, money!), and this is a reality that many don't think about. I am speaking from a purely institutional perspective. On an individual level, I know many professors who are aware of the realities of the outside world and are honest with their students. We need more faculty members like that.

I wouldn't give up these past 5 years of my life for anything. I've never done things the normal way. While I may have resented it at the time, I'm grateful for it now. When do the hordes of talented musicians making their way through loads of degrees say "enough is enough!" and find the courage to strike out on their own? I want my life to be an example to those who may be questioning their path. Anything is possible.

We are creatives. We have the ability to be free thinkers. If years of schooling is what you feel you need, then that's OK but think about the life waiting for you beyond the academic confines. What possibilities exist for you as you are? The beauty of life is our freedom to choose, even if it's the path less traveled.

Practice with your head, perform from your heart

While I’m trying to separate from my ego (read my previous post here), I’m beginning to answer some of my own questions about how to practice for performance and artistic success.

There’s lot of great resources about practicing, but you are ultimately responsible for integrating what works for you into your performance.

A simple reminder to ourselves should be, “Practice with your head, perform from your heart.”

When I begin feeling like I’m too much in my head during my practice sessions, I tune in to my heart. This is one of the reasons why I have to practice in a room with a view. It helps me stay connected to the outside world plus the natural beauty keeps me refreshed. There’s nothing like nature to get you out of your head and encourage gratitude for the gift you have to share.

We must practice fine, technical details to access a higher artistic level; however, we must also practice finding our heart if we are to play on stage the way we really want to and as well as we know we can. Because practicing is such a solitary activity, we tend to constantly instruct ourselves rather than staying inclusively aware of the music and the body. Humans are not designed to be solitary creatures. Music is one way of staying connected and our practicing should nurture that.

As you practice today, try tuning in to a deeper source beyond your brain’s mental chatter. Whether you go to a spiritual place or visualize an image that you can use to diminish the chatter, use it often. You’ll find that this type of practicing will connect you more with your audience while performing as well as make practicing itself more enjoyable.

Separating from the ego

Ever since Marion Harrington rehashed a recent experience she had with performance anxiety, I’ve been thinking a lot about the ego and its effect in my professional life. I’m finally comprehending that it’s not so much about me eking out a living teaching and performing but about the people I collaborate with. I'm more aware than ever that I can't go it alone.

Twitter has opened a new world for me (ask me why I love twitter!). Without twitter, I wouldn’t have found the support network that I now lean on and has helped me realize what I'm now writing about. People that I met via random twitter conversations have become colleagues whose opinion I respect and who I hope to play music with someday. Honestly, I don’t know that I would be on my current, completely unexpected path of returning to school not for another music degree but one in physical therapy if it hadn’t been for these connections.

I can’t believe that I will get to perform with some of those colleagues this year. In addition to Marion’s Classical Music Connects project, I will be giving two performances in Philadelphia/New Jersey and Southwest Virginia (locations, dates and times TBD). In Virginia, I’ll be collaborating with another CMC musician, Erica Sipes, who wholeheartedly jumped on board when I e-mailed her my outreach idea.

These opportunities wouldn’t be coming about if I were still concerned about my ego. I would have let self-doubt stop me from taking action on anything for fear it wouldn't come to fruition. I'm a procrastinator for multiple reasons, but I procrastinate because of my ego. We spend so much time worrying about what others think of us and how we stand in the competitive pool of talent that we forget what it’s like to be part of a collective that isn’t trying to tear us down (real or imagined).

I would be lying if I said that this realization has made life any easier.

I’m fighting my ego as I begin preparing the program for these upcoming performances. Every time I begin getting too big for my britches or I’m paralyzed by self-doubt, I remind myself that I am part of a collective force. I have a “tribe” that gets me, gets my ideas and is on the same page. They want to change the classical music world just like me.

In the blog I write for my local newspaper, I am constantly returning to community, collaboration and connection as focal points. Those are so important for our local communities and I’m so happy to put these into practice with colleagues scattered all over the globe. With my ego in check, I’m opening myself up to new experiences and expanding my definition of community daily.

Earlier this week, author Patti Digh posted a eloquent Mindful Monday post about letting go and as I work to make my ego secondary to my work. I’ll leave you with her words:

“Clear ground.
Let it go.
Feel your heart and spirit soar.”

Cultivating Awareness

Earlier this year, I attended the Andover Educators’ Biennial Conference. It was a life changing experience. I am now proud to announce that I am an Andover Educator Trainee, and I am now studying towards becoming a licensed educator to teach What Every Musician Needs to Know about the Body.

The basis of incorporating an accurate body map into one’s playing is with inclusive awareness. In my own study of Body Mapping since taking a course with Amy Likar in 2004, inclusive awareness well…escaped my awareness. Barbara Conable teaching the first hour of What Every Musician Needs to Know about the Body cleared this up, and the conference then became an exploration of this awareness.

Since the conference, I have been processing and thinking about how to approach my flute with more mindful awareness. Where yoga helps me center my self and connect mind to body, inclusive awareness helps keep all the complex processes that go into playing an instrument in my periphery without losing awareness of the music or my body.

Before the conference, I was mindful about my playing but my mindfulness didn’t transcend my issues with performance anxiety. Although I intellectually knew negative words like “controlling” and “trying” are detrimental, those habits continued to manifest themselves in performances. No matter how often I perform, I still get the adrenaline rush. My heart pounds, my breath becomes shaky, and I become a tense shell of the musician that I am.

In the months since, my awareness has shifted to a mindfulness that doesn’t scan from one part of my body to another and then shifts to a tricky section in the music. It lets everything be without trying or controlling the result. When these moments of true inclusive awareness happen, my heart fills with joy. I get true fulfillment. I listen better, I play better, I embody the music better. Everything is just better.

I am a perfectionist. I’ve liked to deny that for years but the truth is, I am. I procrastinate because nothing I do can ever truly be good enough. Doing things at the last minute and getting less than stellar results means I can blame “being so busy” or “lack of time” for perceived failures.

When it comes to performance anxiety, I believe that inclusive awareness will help me get over the hurdles in ways that I haven’t been able to move past.

Shortly after the conference, I had a two gig day. I played for a church service in the morning and performed on the program of a friend’s studio recital in the afternoon. Playing in church has always been less nerve wracking for me than other scenarios. Perhaps it’s that the congregation is there to worship and I’m enhancing their experience, so not all the attention is on me.

There was a particular scripture read in the service that resonated with me. In Philippians 1:17, it talks about preaching with sincerity. How many of us perform with sincerity, or do we perform purely out of ambition?

What I learned about audience connection from Gallagher

My husband and I started the weekend by going to see Gallagher, a comedian that was popular back in the 80's. My husband was actually the one who introduced me to his comedy several years ago, and we even bought one of his shows on DVD. When I saw that he was going to be in town, I just had to go.

For two hours, we were entertained by a guy that has some brilliant insights that is encased in non-PC humor; however, I was also taken by how he interacted with his audience before the show.

When we entered the theater, my husband exclaimed, "There he is!" Instead of hanging around backstage, Gallagher was milling around the auditorium engaging with members of the audience. He continued this until about 5 minutes before the show, when he yelled out for someone to come introduce him. At this point, it turned into a comedic bit but I loved how there was no formality but just a simple start to the show that didn't take anything away.

In the show, Gallagher didn't pull any punches. Regardless of whether you find his jokes offensive or an accurate commentary of American culture, Gallagher's ability to stand up and say things that are not necessarily politically correct is rare to find in today's society.

This brings me to why these observations were so exciting for me. We in classical music put ourselves on pedestals which generally makes us miserable. We wonder why our audiences are shrinking, or why we're not getting more work.

Gallagher is a master at audience connection. As classical musicians, we don't have to become comedians to connect with our audiences but we can be out in the audience before the show talking to our audience instead of remaining invisible until it's time to play. By treating the audience as a faceless void, our performance anxiety goes through the roof because we're making our performance the first connection. Even if it's an audience that you don't know (Gallagher didn't know the people he was talking to), you already have something in common - you both love music. It means stepping out of your comfort zone, but your satisfaction level will increase.

Gallagher's creativity and courage to speak his mind is something else we can take. Playing chamber and solo music affords us more opportunity to be creative and explore what the composer intended in his or her music. Lately, I've started reconsidering my path of what I should be doing as a musician. I'm not ready to announce these changes publicly, but it's taking a fair amount of courage to derail from the typical musician track and create my own map. Stand up for the music you believe in, and allow your creativity to shine through. People don't want to hear canned music. They come to hear live performance because there's nothing like it...if you are willing to inject humanity in it instead of a unrealistic perfection.

Go and find a few Gallagher DVDs to watch. Or attend a show. Other comedians may do the same thing, but I have a feeling they don't. This was the first stand-up show I have ever attended, but this guy captivated me within my own context of classical music and how different the show was from the usual concerts I go to. And guess what? This guy filled the theater.

Peeling back the Layers

Since I began seriously playing again, I have struggled with performance anxiety in ways that I don't recall ever experiencing. I have read books, talked to my teachers, and sought multiple performance opportunities in order to practice the skill of performing.

But I still feel like I fail. Why?

Interestingly enough, I had an epiphany sitting in my car listening to the radio. P!nk's song, "F'in Perfect," was on and I really started listening to the lyrics. All of a sudden, I realized that the negative performance experiences I had as a child are still affecting me emotionally and psychologically.

On a personal level, you can hide behind a shell of yourself. As a musician and an artist, you must lose that shell. Losing it can induce anxiety and self-doubt. There are different types of performance anxiety as listed in my colleague Marion Harrington's article; however, when I read these, I found that I couldn't exactly define how I suffer.

I began my musical journey as a singer. As a kid, I sang all the time. I would sneak into my brother's room, play a record, and sing along. If I didn't know the words, I made them up (I especially remember "La Bamba").

As I got older, I began singing in public. I could easily get up and sing in front of a church full of people. I was singing because I loved it, and I didn't have any preconceived notions about what I was supposed to do. I didn't start developing preconceived notions until I began entering talent shows at school.

I grew up in rural Southwest Virginia which is very religious. I sang anything my mom could find a taped accompaniment for, which was usually gospel or Christian contemporary music. And that's what I sang for my talent shows. The rejection that I remember most is a school assembly that I sang for. I don't remember the song, but I do remember looking up into the bleachers and seeing a boy mocking me.

I never tied this experience to my flute playing, but I think that it is a factor in how I deal with my anxiety. As I got older, I began burying more of my true self in order to fit in as most of us do. I have an "old soul," and I had only a few close friends. Because I find myself caught in the middle between those my own age and those older than me who I'm closer to in maturity, I have built layers of walls to protect myself from getting hurt in relationships with others.

We all build walls. Breaking them down in order to perform without fear is perhaps the most difficult part of our job.

Ultimately, this realization peeled back one more layer of my psyche to figure out exactly why I get anxious when I perform. My ease as a singer and a natural performer has evolved into a nervous adrenaline rush that affects my entire performance. It has struck at the beginning, in the middle, and sporadically.

How do I start to let go and enjoy the music?

My most recent post (Opening the Heartspace) is a step in the right direction. I actually started writing this post several months ago, but I've been letting it simmer. There was something there that although realizing that my childhood fears have followed me into adulthood, it doesn't explain everything.

There's something more. Perfectionism.

When we're children, we don't try to be perfect. We are able to perform without expectations or pressure. We sing/play/dance simply because we love to do it. Somewhere along the way, we learn that this isn't good enough. We must be perfect. We must please others. And when someone laughs at or mocks you, then you begin avoiding that which used to give you so much joy.

My experiences make me who I am today and I know who I am as a person, but the more I can break down the walls that I have built around myself to protect myself, the more true artistry will emerge in my teaching and on stage.

Here are some resources to help you overcome the "lizard brain" (as Seth Godin puts it):

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity


Seth Godin's Linchpin

A Flutist's Self-Worth

A thread on the FLUTE list popped up that saddened me. The question of the distinction between amateur and professional players came up, and I read the thread with dismay. The original poster's intent was to ask the valid question why we flutists don't support each other more, but the resulting discussion didn't answer this question.

A certain flutist wrote who said that she is a "nobody in the flute world" because even though she leads a fulfilling musical life, the fact that no one knows her outside her own circle and she doesn't hold an orchestra or teaching position doesn't hold value in her eyes.

An unfortunate stereotype of flutists is that we're all catty, uber competitive, and self-centered. When I meet a new flutist, I always gauge the person to figure out their attitude. By the end of my time with them, I know whether they share the same philosophy of music making I do (if you've read the rest of my blog, you know how I feel about music) or whether they are purely career focused (i.e. constantly focusing on the orchestra audition circuit or teaching positions). When I pick up on the latter attitude, I usually come away a little deflated and questioning my own worth.

Seeking approval from others is a struggle for me. When I was in college, I constantly wanted the approval of my flute teacher. She was hard on me, and it took me years to realize that it was because she wanted the BEST for me. I wasn't in her studio to be told how good I was. I was in her studio to progress and become a better flutist...to better my chances of becoming a successful musician.

So what does "successful" mean? For a lot of flutists, this only means winning an orchestra or teaching job at a major school. Orchestra jobs are diminishing. The Philly Orchestra has declared bankruptcy, the Louisville Orchestra is no longer employing their musicians. Now, more than ever, flutists (and musicians everywhere) must be flexible and open to creating their own opportunities.

Your self-worth as a musician and as an individual should not be tied to what others are doing. We are musicians, with creative impulses and the ability to create opportunities for ourselves. This is what creative entrepreneurship is about. It's about taking control of your life and your destiny. It's about creating opportunities for yourself where none seemingly exist.

Do I struggle with self-doubt? Yes. But I struggle more with self-doubt when I find myself worrying about what others think especially those who have won those types of jobs we dream about in music school. My self-doubt dissipates when I stop worrying, and I start focusing on my own goals again.

If you have an idea for something great, pursue it. Don't let entrenched attitudes stop you. Winning orchestra and teaching jobs is the old way of thinking. Now, more than ever before is the time to seize on opportunities. The power of the internet and social media can take you from obscurity into something more.

Unfortunately, a lot of musicians don't know how to seize on these new opportunities. Instead, I meet a lot of flutists who had big dreams shattered by the harsh reality of the real world. Life often gets in the way of what we would like to have, but it doesn't mean that we should give up just because we can't win an orchestra audition or a teaching job.

Be flexible, adaptable, and true to yourself. Your musical career might take a path you didn't expect, but the path least travelled leads to the most fulfilling work.

Go out and create! Here are a few resources to help you get past self-doubt and start or rejuvenate your career:

Jade Simmons' Emerge Already! Blog

Beyond Talent by Angela Myles Beeching

The Savvy Musician by David Cutler

Musical Risk Taking: a Commentary on a Musician's Life

Last week, I was sitting in a coffee shop pondering the topic of musical intention. In a recent interview I read, flutist Molly Barth stated that she strives to play every note with intention.

I posed the question of intention and musical risk taking on twitter, and a great conversation ensued with Michael Gilliland (@mcgilliland) and Shoshana Fanizza (@musicshosh). We talked about how many musicians simply have no clue of what the "real world" actually entails, and how we often lose our competitive drive when we leave school.

With the advent of the internet, classical music has been thrown into a transition period. Music schools are still providing its students the education that better fits what was relevant prior to the internet revolution. Although schools have began offering additional programs such as music business, arts administration, and music therapy that have expanded career options with more secure positions, students that pursue degrees in performance are getting the short end of the stick. It's becoming increasingly difficult to obtain employment whether it be building a private teaching studio, freelancing (with more work drying up everyday), or winning an orchestral job.

So what can schools begin doing to address this time of transition and help increase their students' chances of success?

A few things come to mind as a result of this conversation:

1) Offer more seminars that cover a wide range of subjects addressing the musician as a whole, including what to expect after school. Although it's difficult to translate into a tangible topic, a seminar on life issues after school that affect a musician's perspective would be very useful to students. A degree in music involves taking many 1 and 2 credit courses, which are designed for the sake of teaching music majors time mangement skills and that musicians often have to work very hard to obtain and keep their work. Without a framework of life experience, the lessons older musicians have learned would be hard to impart to their younger counterparts; however, addressing these topics would give students perspective in an environment that is often very sheltered with very little "bubble bursting." Seminar guests could include professional musicians from the community that have built successful careers for themselves. These seminars could also be used to explore day job options beyond the typical choices of working in retail or the restaurant business. Encouraging students to learn a separate vocational skill (i.e. vet tech, paralegal, etc.) would give them additional skills that would make them more attractive to employers.

Most music students today take no time off between degrees. Many spend their 20s in school, and have no real world work experience to speak of. If a few more would work a day job to make ends meet while making it as a musician, their perspective would be radically changed. I speak from personal experience having worked the past three years in a full time corporate management position. Having a consistent connection to the real world via faculty members would help students even more.

2) On the topic of inviting community professionals into music schools, music faculties are often comprised largely of professors that have had no real world experience. This is a university wide problem that affects all departments, but changing the landscape of music school faculties to include musicians that have lived and worked outside the protection of schools would allow students to gain additional perspective on how to keep their competitive drive and not "settle." There has always been a schism between society and academia, but this is such an institutionalized problem that it will never be resolved.

Instead of fixing an institutionalized issue, curriculum must be examined regularly to ensure that students have essential tools for success. Social media courses, marketing courses, and business courses would provide a practical foundation that musicians could build on rather than starting from scratch.

3) Mandatory volunteer activities with a non-profit arts organization. This new base of volunteers would provide non-profits with fresh young blood who are educated and passionate, and allow students to begin networking. Whether students stay in the area where they attend school, those network contacts often extend well beyond the local area. Students gain the benefit and perspective of learning how to share their love of the arts with a non-profit's audience, while also learning how to interact with agencies that may provide financial support later on.

Everyone will take a different route. For some, the heartache and instability will be too much and they will use their energy to pursue a less stressful path. For others, they will continue to face failure and seemingly insurmountable chances to pursue their passion. It's a passion we often can't express in words, but that kind of fire and creative instinct can't be extinguished. Aided by knowledge and education, that fire can be better utilized to bring the arts to a broadening audience. Please comment - I would love to continue this conversation.

Perspective

I can't believe it's been almost a month and a half since I last posted an article here. You have to forgive me. As a military wife, I've been charged with planning a move all by myself while also practicing as much as possible in preparation for various auditions and a competition. Once the move is over, I will have more time to write and post on a regular basis.

With everything in a chaotic state, I've lost my perspective over the past two weeks. In addition to my perspective, I also lost my mojo to practice. So with an audition next week glaring at me and a competition the week after in addition to presenting my first ever workshop, it's easy to see why I lost perspective.

My advice to myself and to all of you reading, when life throws you a major life change while also involved in career pursuits, don't compare yourself to others. I certainly don't follow the status quo musician route. I'm not going to have the amount of time to practice like I wanted. I like to keep negative thoughts flowing through my head. Instead of looking at my situation practically, it's much easier to shut down and focus on other things.

Planning, efficiency, and structure can get you through these phases. Have conversations with yourself (out loud, even) about your expectations and goals. Be open enough to change and adapt your goals if your life is constantly changing as it is for me. For me, my goal for my audition and competition has changed from winning to one of gratitude for the opportunity to perform and use these as experience building events. Between now and then, my goals could change again. Even if I don't win, I will celebrate the accomplishment of working through my personal challenge.

Adaptability and creativity make us unique as musicians. Don't let your perspective interfere in those processes. By working through major life events, you will discover strength that you didn't know you had and you will be able to meet future challenges in an even more productive way.

Perspective counts.

Shifting the Focus back to Expression and Creativity

I've been having a conversation on Twitter with @MazzaClarinet otherwise known as Marion Harrington, a professional clarinetist and motivational author (http://marionharringtonclarinet.com/). The conversation began as a discussion of the importance of academia on musical interpretation and the positive or negative impact it has on one's natural inclinations and this discussion has transformed into one about the sacrificing of musical expression for technical perfection.

Students that enter college to study music must take an assortment of theory and history lessons in order to develop a framework for them to become better musicians. It's critical to a student's development to have this academic education in order to return to music with a enlightened view of its structure and historical context; however, viewing music in strictly academic terms will render the music void of any expression whatsoever. I discussed this point in an earlier post (http://sensibleflutist.blogspot.com/2010/06/personality-of-musician-deeper-look.html). I would go further than I did in my previous article, and state that having a certain amount of talent paired with a solid musical education will produce a musician with a heightened sensitivity to the music.

From this, the conversation took a turn towards the question of creativity and how so many performances nowadays are technically accurate or "note perfect" but lacking in musical expression. For flutists, the current focus leans toward technical superiority and perfection. My guess is that this focus extends through all woodwinds because of the physically emcompassing requirements of playing a wind instrument. We get so wrapped up in the physical and technical side of playing the instrument that we forget why we committed ourselves to music in the first place. I certainly didn't start playing the flute because I wanted to learn to control my breathing or have fast fingers. I began playing the flute for the expressive powers and potential it holds.

I attended several masterclasses over the summer, and most of the focus was on technical aspects of flute playing. This approach is ingrained in me so much that I find it incredibly difficult to listen to beautiful flute playing without scrutinzing every detail rather than appreciating the beauty; however, by the same token, it's difficult to find recordings that give you a glimpse into the whole package. Encouraging young musicians to attend live performances is one of the most important steps we can take to shift the focus from technical playing to free and creative.

So what other ways can we start changing this focus? We're musicians with a creative urge to find solutions. We are always looking for solutions to improve and do things better. I think that flutists (and any other instrument that falls into this perfection obsessed category) should take the opportunity to listen to vocalists, pianists, and stringed instruments. Attend masterclasses for other instruments than your own - it's eye opening to see how they approach their music. Take the universal musical ideas you learn from them, and apply it within your own playing. Go to solo recitals of other instruments.

Improvisatory exercises are extremely useful when exploring the bounds of your own creative musical expression. When you take away the visual, your heighten your other senses and the music begins to become a natural, non-thinking extension of who you are. I really enjoy attending jazz concerts to see and hear the freedom of these musicians. I strive for the same freedom in my playing. As David Thomas (@DTClarinet) stated on Twitter, playing a piece of music is a "recreative" process, but also takes imagination. I think that pairing the improvisatory freedom of non-thinking with real imagination will increase your control over a piece of music and bring out expressive qualities in your playing that will engage your audience in a real-time narrative.

The beauty of music lies in its ability to engage the entire realm of human emotion, and express happiness, sorrow, anger, tell a narrative or paint a picture. By engaging the self through creative and imaginative self-exploration, we break the mold and become free-thinking, musical individuals.