Hitting the wall

I practiced last night. I had several wonderful moments where I felt like I knew what I was doing.

But my practicing ended on an ugly, frustrated note. I spent most of my time on tone work so I could explore Body Mapping principles, using my ball, using my pneumo pro to incorporate some more work into my playing.

It backfired.

Music is the goal of everything I do. I ended up frustrated with myself because the exploration became a study in concentrating and scanning. Instead of freely playing, I began concerning myself with organizing my movement which is still a concept I'm struggling with. I'm still struggling with finding balance and trying to hold it because I'm scared I'll lose it.

The moments of absolute freedom and musicality make my journey worthwhile and exhilarating. But it's these moments of frustration that bring the fighter out in me. Already, I feel a desire to pull my flute back out and try again. I refuse to give up.

I'll bottle that desire up and try again tomorrow. We all feel like this. It's how we choose to deal with it that matters. Honestly, I sat down, put my face in my hands and cried a little. But I got over it. I'm not performing tomorrow. I'm simply giving myself the time I need to make changes in my playing that will let the music shine through. Explore and challenge yourself to grow.

I simply gave myself permission to fail. I wasn't successful last night but I'm one step closer.

*photo courtesy of daarkeaagejeethai.blogspot.com